About
Therapy is a conversation, but it should be more than that.
I’m Jacob. Bussmann Therapy KC is my private practice in Kansas City — I work with couples, and with individuals doing their own difficult work. A conversation is where it starts, but the useful part is usually what we notice while we’re having it.
IWhy this work
Why I do this work.
I’m interested in what sits underneath what people say and do. Not in a suspicious way — more that the surface of a conversation is rarely the whole of it, and the rest is usually where the difficulty lives.
People are good at protecting themselves. We learn, early and sensibly, how to manage feelings that would otherwise be too much: we go quiet, or we get sharp, we make light of things, we stay busy, we keep the peace. These aren’t flaws. They’re competent responses to something real.
The trouble is that a protection built for one situation tends to keep running in situations where it no longer helps — and the place it usually costs the most is the relationships a person cares about most. The move that once kept you safe becomes the thing your partner keeps running into.
That’s the work I find worth doing: understanding those patterns well enough, with a couple or with one person, that they stop running the show.
IIHow I see people
I don’t think people are problems to solve.
Behaviour makes more sense when you look at what it is trying to do.
A partner who withdraws isn’t simply avoidant. Withdrawing is doing something — usually holding off a flood they don’t think they can manage in front of you.
A partner who pushes isn’t simply too much. The pushing is a way of checking whether anyone is still on the other end.
Anger, criticism, distance, defensiveness, going quiet — slowed down, each of these usually turns out to be protecting something softer, or reaching for something the person can’t quite ask for directly.
None of this means sorting people into types. It means staying with a particular person long enough to understand what their particular version is for.
IIIHow I work
I pay attention to what happens in the room.
Two approaches shape how I work: Emotionally Focused Therapy and AEDP. I’ve written about both on the approach page. In terms of what they change about an actual session, they mean I’m doing a few things fairly consistently:
- Slowing things down, especially where they usually speed up.
- Watching for the emotional pattern underneath the argument, not only the argument itself.
- Paying attention to moments as they happen — a pause, a shift, a sudden change of subject.
- Helping people find words for something that’s hard to put into words.
- Staying curious about what sits under the obvious conflict, rather than rushing to settle it.
IVWho I work with
Who I work with.
- Couples stuck in a pattern that keeps repeating.
- Couples who have drifted into distance without a fight to point to.
- Couples working through a betrayal or a break in trust.
- Couples where closeness, including sex, has become hard to talk about.
- People doing difficult emotional work on their own.
More on each: couples therapy, individual therapy, and premarital therapy.
VA personal note
A little about how I try to show up.
I try not to be in a hurry. A lot happens in the first few minutes of someone describing their situation, and most of it rewards a second look rather than a quick response.
I’ll ask about the thing that got skipped over. If something doesn’t add up, I’ll usually say so — plainly, and without making it a big moment. I’d rather be useful than agreeable, though I don’t think those have to be opposed.
I don’t assume I know what something means before the person has told me. Two couples can describe the same argument and be dealing with entirely different things underneath it. I’d rather find that out than guess well.
And I stay interested. After a lot of these conversations, the particulars still don’t get old — how a specific person, with their specific history, came to protect themselves in exactly this way. That’s the part I pay attention to.
— Jacob
You don’t have to become someone else.You may need a different way of being with what’s already here.
VICommon questions
Questions people ask before reaching out.
What can I expect from working with you?
Sessions built around what is actually happening between you, or in you — slowing down the moments that matter, looking at what sits underneath them, and working out a different way to respond. Some of it is talking; a lot of it is noticing. It can be uncomfortable in places. It is meant to be useful.
Do you work with individuals as well as couples?
Yes. Couples work is the larger part of the practice, and I also see individuals doing their own emotional work. More on that under individual therapy.
What approaches do you use?
Emotionally Focused Therapy and AEDP, held as ways of working rather than fixed protocols. The approach page goes into what that means in practice.
Do you work with couples dealing with infidelity or intimacy concerns?
Yes. Both are common reasons couples reach out, and both can be worked with directly. The couples therapy page covers this in more detail.
How do I know if we're a good fit?
The most reliable way is a first conversation. You can describe what is going on, ask what you want to ask, and get a sense of whether this feels like the right room.
What happens when I reach out?
You get in touch through the contact page and tell me a little about what is bringing you in. We find a time to talk, and go from there.
Start with a conversation.
Reaching out doesn’t commit you to anything. You can send a short message about what’s going on, and we’ll work out from there whether it makes sense to meet.